Saturday, August 30, 2014


WARNING: This post is true-to-life story and somehow dramatic. I just want to express what I'm feeling right now. Because I can't understand myself and I don't want my family nor friends to be disturbed by this nonsense drama. This may include lots of grammatical and typographical errors. Hahahaha if you're going to judge, please don't read it anyway! You don't have to care, bits.

So here it goes....................

One reason why I'm so excited to go to college when I was on high school is that I'll have new environment, new schoolmates, new friends and a huge possibility for me to have a new crush which will help me to move on with my past. That reason is stupid, right? Yeah, I know.

PS: This guy is not my ex-boyfriend. We're not even officially MU (mutual understanding); but one thing that I'm sure of is, we loved each other. 

Click here to play song

Dear XYZ, 

I admit you weren't my type of guy in the first place, and I won't elaborate it either. Why? Because I don't care. When you fell in love, you'll set aside all the expectations and qualifications.

WE HAVE LOVED EACH OTHER back then for 3 years. We had a lot of good and happy memories together, that I definitely treasure until now. We faced a lot of trials and problems too, which we all have passed through. 

Tough times, happy times, we are so young when this started. But the happiness you've caused to me is truly immeasurable and one of the best feelings in this world. Yes, you've hurt me and I've cried at times because of you but I think that's inevitable. And I don't blame you for that. Shit happens a LOT of times but when things go wrong and we talked about it, we'll try our best to save this relationship and everything will be okay.

You became one of my strengths and my inspirations. You're one of the reasons why I smile and keep going. You taught me how to cross the street, you told me things about places (which I'm not good at remembering them), and you taught me how to love, truely madly and deeply which in the first place I never expected that it will happen.

You're my sweetest downfall. My friends told me I'm so weak when it comes to you, but I don't care. You're my happiness and sadness. And it's hard for me to live without those two.

We shared our deepest secrets because we trust each other. I still remember our promises, our plans together in the future like our first date in Paris and the thing that you'll be my driver because I'm not good in places and because you're a sweet lover. Do you still remember that? Will we still able to make those things happen? Well, I don't know. I really don't know.

As time goes by, the ultra mega happiness and our love fades. Have you regretted that you had crush on me and that you fell in love with me? Do you realize now that you're blinded back then because you also don't know why you'll choose me? Maybe now your eyes are open. You're tall, handsome, good in playing basketball, singing and that kind of heart throb. And I'm one of those simple girls in our campus which maybe referred to as a nerd, small, wannabe and etc. Ever since you had crush on that chick batchmate in our campus, I'm being compared to her, I heard a lot of things about her, we barely talk and your attention is being diverted. What did I do wrong? Am I not enough? Those are the questions I can't ask you before. Why? Simply because, we're just friends. We're not committed to each other. And of course, I don't have a right to demand. To tell you what to do and what not to do. 

I have let you go a lot of times because of too much pain, but you're always coming back to me. And I admit that letting you go is not that easy. I have tried to move on a lot of times but I always end up loving you, again. It's kind of a cycle: 
1. Shit happens -->    2. We'll let go of each other   --->    3. We'll move on and become strangers --->          4. We'll miss each other --->        5. We'll talked and try to save this relationship and will love each other again.   --->     6.Repeat number 1.

During our overnight in our classmate's house after the graduation, we have talked about everything and we settled all of them. Everything's okay. All the shits were forgotten and we're looking forward to a bright future. All we have to do is to wait. Wait for the perfect time.

Summer vacation and shit happens again. Misunderstanding. Lack of communication. SHIT. A total bullshit. I'm kinda jealous to that girl you're being linked to. I heard that you liked her too. Then what about me again? You barely talked to me. Our conversations were so short. I was like: "Hi, I exist. Can you message me? I'm alive. What about you? Have you forgotten me? Am I an option? Who am I to you?" Of course, I'm just a friend of yours.

I'm tired of everything that's too painful. We decided to let it be. It's not a breakup because there's no commitment or something. It's something I thought of as "It's the end".  I thought this time would be the easiest ending, because we'll go to different universities. I thought I'll forget you in a short period of time, because we'll not be able to see each other more often. Those were what I expected.

But I'm wrong.

I can't run away with my feelings.

Why am I still thinking about you? Why do I compare you with my blockmate that has a great sense of humor as you? I even have a blockmate who has the same first name as you. Every time I see guys in our campus --- I'm wishing that it was you. I miss you. A lot. Why is it hard for me to move on? Why is it still you? Why can't I forget you? What did I do wrong? Why am I holding on to something which I know has been gone and will never go back? Am I being stupid this much? 

We have talked this week after so many months we thought we're strangers and I admit it feels good. I miss your presence. You even open up a topic I badly hate -- It's Katie. That bitch. Has she never been tired of being after you? Of making landi HAHAHA. That girl is so annoying. She'll never stop. I can't do anything about that. The best thing to do for you is to avoid her, if you want her to stop flirting with you. Well, I'm not this protective. I'm just thinking of your next girl. I don't want her to be bothered to see his guy being flirted by that bitch. It's too annoying for your next girl. HAHAHA should I kill Katie for you? LOL

Oh how I wish it was still me, your one and only. Can we go back to the good old days?
Damn, I see couples everywhere. Am I holding on to old feelings? Or I just haven't found new ones yet?

I miss you. A lot. Take care always, okay? Zhutem. xx

Yours truly,

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